HIDE IN PLAIN SIGHT

It’s a fact: 82.735% of all leather furniture in the world is irredeemably ugly. I challenge you to say one good thing about the ‘bad’ items identified below—it’s no coincidence that many of the images came from online buy-and-sell sites where people were trying in vain to exorcise these aniline-dyed demons from their homes. As I acknowledged before, this is my blog and therefore subjective, but let’s see where we can find some common ground, shall we?

UGLY

You know how skin gets all taut and shiny when there's an infection?

 

UGLY

Seriously, you have to agree...

 

UNSPEAKABLY UGLY

More skin-splicing than Joan Rivers...

 

GORGEOUS

Yam-coloured leather on a classic Louis frame

 

FUGLY

It appears to be made out of raw meat—or a grisly take on what Barbapapa would look like skinned alive

 

ELEGANT

Deco-inspired deliciousness!

 

ADORABLE

A bit dowdy but not ugly and actually quite fabulous

 

DEVASTATING

And I mean "devastating" in the best possible way

 

LOOKS LIKE A DIAPER

'Nuff said...

 

KILL THE PERSON WHO DESIGNED THIS

The words "sofa" and "reclining" do not belong in the same sentence. Or even in the same hemisphere.

 

DIVINE

Reminiscent of a classic Barcelona chair

 

DIVINE-ADJACENT

Masculine but still kind of glam-o-rama

 

AGAIN WITH THE UGLY

It appears the Cadbury people misplaced the costume for

their Caramilk mascot...

 

TRAGIC

This would be like sitting on Honey Boo Boo's mum, were she naked.

 

I’m guessing that some of you are protesting my choices (“But it’s comfortable!”). This doesn’t fly with me. Uggs are comfortable. Sweat pants are comfortable. Assuming the fetal position in a vat of warm saline is extremely comfortable—but you wouldn’t go to work like that, would you? See where I’m going with this?

Furniture that looks like a bean bag chair grew up and gave up has no place in the home of adults. It’s generally accepted that big flabby arms are not the most desirable feature on humans—so why would you want them on your sofa?

I know people often choose leather because it’s durable—but if it’s on a piece that’s as ugly as a mud fence, it just means you have to look at it even longer, don’t you? The good news is that there are good leather pieces out there, you just have to look. And looking with your eyes is so much more rewarding than looking with your derriere, so at least try to give it a fair break the next time you find yourself in need of soft furnishings.

 I apologise if I upset you by mocking one of your favourite pieces of furniture—but if you persist in believing that comfort and aesthetics are two mutually exclusive qualities, then the only advice I can give you is: get thee to a vat of saline, pronto! As always, I welcome your notes, feedback, death threats, etc. This is, of course, primarily because I have a thick hide—and it's not adhered to a piece of puffy furniture...